Getting stupid since 2008…

‘L’ is for Liquor (it’s also for LAME!)

“Alright ladies! Time for another shot! Let’s pour the pucker, tonight is going to be armageddon on my liver OMG!” says the liquor loving ladies. Shots, mixed drinks, jungle juice, Irish carbombs, sakebombs, jagerbombs…whatever form you want to do it, liquor is a viscous drink which your liver can only respond with, “What have I done to deserve this!?” Okay, here’s the reason I don’t like hard liquor: it makes you do (or not do) three specific things which severely affect any night:

1. Forget anything (including the Fatty McFat-Fat you just sucked face with)(and no alcohol is NOT an excuse)
2. Urinate on anything and everything/one
3. Break the law in plain sight of as MANY people as possible

None of which, of course, have I ever participated in…of course. Anyways, upon your fifth shot of Jeremiah Weed within ten minutes (like we’re all prone to doing,) you’ll undoubtedly find yourself in the fetal position laying in a pool of liquid with the following proportions:

30% Urine
15% Fecal matter
60% Vomit

Yes, I know 105% because pounding shots of Skol will only yield one result which can only be summed up in a picture:

So why ruin your night with your obviously belligerent drinking, because let’s not lie, “Oh I’m only having one drink tonight,” is the biggest lie EVER! Be a smart drinker, take it easy with some beer to get you where you need to be, not a drunk that’s going to end up in a cell sobering up for the next 48 hours trying to flirt with the cop just in order to not post bail while begging Spike, the resident cell-mate not to slice your face open with the shiv hidden in her mattress.

Hard liquor brings out the crazy in all of us, so for the sake of everyone who hates anything annoying, keep it in the bottle, (so to speak) and keep with the suds. And if that didn’t prove my point, watch “My New Haircut,” in which the biggest tool ever is just pounding the Jagerbombs…Jagerbombs…Jagerbombs. Need I say more?

The Anti-Beer

“Dude! Kegstand!”

“I don’t know, bro, I mean, I just ate and all. And I’ve already had too much to drink. Plus, I’ve got work in the morning.”

“Duuuuuuuuuuuude.”

“Okay, hold my legs.”

Does this sound like a typical conversation you might have more than twice daily? If so, I have bad news for you. You’re a beeroholic. Much worse than just a regular old alcoholic, beeroholics have suffered the plague of losing all normal functionality of their taste buds. Instead of a tasty glass of Mike’s Hard or a Bacardi Breezer, they opt for the “Urine of the gods” (patent pending) (patent pending on inserting patent pending after phrases one hopes to patent without actually filing for a patent or having a worthy cause for patent).

Well, I’ve got news for all you beeroholics. Contrary to popular belief……and brace yourselves for this…..the amount of beer you consume is not directly proportional to the amount of people who will take pleasure in your company.

To put it simpler for all you beeroholics who might actually be reading anything, let alone this article, drinking beer doesn’t make you cool. This may come as a shock to you, considering you were pretty sure that your wife-beater and fake tattoo (you know, the one that’s supposed to look like barbed wire) put you in a class with the likes of Emilio Estevez and Napoleon Bonaparte (that little French dude, not the guy with the crazy cool fro that MTV made a movie about).

I’m not exactly sure what people find so enjoyable about beer in the first place. Supposedly, though, you were by no means the first. Supposedly, ancient civilizations made beer thousands of years before America was even invented by Albert Einstein (the dude was a genius). I would’ve liked to see the initial reaction to that first sip ever taken of beer. I’m guessing it went something like this, with language changed to English for the sake of our readers:

Ancient Chinese Dude 1: So Peng Tao, I just created this new drink.

Ancient Chinese Dude 2: Oh yeah? What’s it called?

Ancient Chinese Dude 1: Beer. I used all the finest ingredients, so it must be good.

Ancient Chinese Dude 2: Alright, lemme give it a try. (takes a sip) Ancient Chinese Dude 1, this “beer” stuff tastes like urine.

Ancient Chinese Dude 1: Haha! Me Chinese, me play joke! Me go pee pee in your Coke!

Now, how this snowballed into a multi-billion dollar industry is quite clear. Ancient Chinese Dude 2 was obviously upset by the trick played upon him, and found the only logical next step to be performing this trick on three others, who then performed the trick on three others, until it turned into the hit Hollywood movie, “Pay It Forward.” And that, in a nutshell, is why I hate Haley Joel Osment.