Four score and three hundred nine years ago, a bunch of Pilgrims, and Pat Summerall, set sail for a new land, free from the oppression of warm beer and football played with feet and ball. No one knows for certain why those dudes with the funny hats decided to start a moving company in America, although I think it had something to do with Golan Moving coming in and taking their land, so they claimed. Some say it was religious persecution. Others cite a healthcare system badly crumbling and in dire need of at least one dentist. The truth is, the Pilgrims were fed up with those crazy Brits driving on the wrong side of the road. The right side of the road is called the right side of the road for a reason. Because it’s right.

When the founding fathers finally found favor in founding freedom, they relied on their sense of morality and good judgment to establish those inalienable rights on which our country continued to thrive for thousands of years: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of pedestrians to splash who stand too close to the curb during rainstorms. In order to douse said pedestrians with a deluge of water, thus brightening up their miserable lives, it became necessary to establish a natural order of travel. And thus, driving on the right side of the road, and naturally, the TSA, were born. And walking. And cycling. And any other form of transportation that involves moving, which, by definition, is all of them. Oh, and back in those days, you could bring a whopping 4.3 ounces of Herbal Essences on the horse and buggy.  Ahhh, the lap of luxury.

But alas, somewhere along the road, we Americans lost our way. We lost our moral compass. We lost our dignity. We stopped traveling exclusively on the right side of the road. It’s complete chaos out there. People bumping into each other on the streets, entire stairwells being shut down for hours as an upward and downward traveler are caught in that “Which way are you gonna go? Left? Right? Okay, you go left, I’ll go right. No, wait. Oh, we keep taking a step in the same direction” dance that inevitably leads to bumped foreheads and bruised egos. I say this to you, oh weary traveler, thou are not lost in the sea of lawlessness. There is hope yet. What we have forgotten over the millenia is that there are rules and regulations upon which this country is founded, and when they are not followed, anarchy ensues.

And for all of you who can’t get it through your thick skulls that traveling on the right side of the road ensures smooth travel with limited accidents and far fewer dirty looks from yours truly, I offer you this short anecdote. Last week, I was walking down the sidewalk on the right (read: correct) side of the road, and a fellow traveler was coming toward me on what appeared to me as the right (read: wrong) side of the road. The following is an actual (read: not actual) photograph taken of the aftermath:

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